i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
my poor anus
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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