Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
