This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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