Jerry, you need to find god
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
