Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
