The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
