i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
