my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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