WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
