How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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