i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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