I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
