Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Randomize
