i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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