Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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