You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
