Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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