Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
