***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My vagina is officially offended.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
