I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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