I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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