You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
only you would photoshop your dick
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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