As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The uberlube is also flammable
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
