You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
