Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
