last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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