the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
