Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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