There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
