Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
