I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
