the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
