Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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