Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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