I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
