I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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