I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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