I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
