My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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