My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
