someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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