Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
