Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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