i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
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Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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