My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
