How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
