I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
