here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
