I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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