my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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