Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
