chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
