she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
