glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
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i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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