We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
