I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
