i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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