mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
