I feel great
I just peed on a car
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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