Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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